Anxiety & Trying to Micromanage Life
I spent last week in and out of the hospital, and am still trying to regain balance both physically and emotionally. My entire life I've liked to plan, to organize and think towards the future. I always want to know where I am going, what my life will look like, and how I am going to get there. I am afraid of not being able to accomplish some of my biggest dreams, like having a children and building a loving, supportive family.
Most days I think I am able to manage those fears, stay present, and find purpose. However, this last round of being in the hospital has been pretty difficult to get over. No matter how much I plan, how proactive I am, how healthy I try to be, weird shit can still happen and I have no control over it. It just is.
Sometimes I struggle with wondering what the point of it all is. Despite all of my efforts to micromanage and plan, my life at this point looks nothing like I had thought it would. I realize today that it might actually be a good thing - when I think about how I thought I would want life to be, I don't actually think I would be happy in it. Despite all my years of school I always come back to working in retail because I truly enjoy it. I never in my life thought I would meet and love someone as much as Isaac; I didn't know the relationship we have could actually exist. I'm not as financially stable as I hoped I would be at this point, but I'm learning to budget and to prioritize what we do spend money on.
This week has been remarkably frustrating and anxiety-ridden. But looking at it now that I'm through the worst of it I realize that maybe there was some good in it. I learnt I had a friendship that was stronger than I had ever realized*. I learnt to share my fears with the people I love; to talk out how to rebalance and find meaning. I learnt to trust my instincts when I felt that something was wrong. I learnt to trust that things would work out okay in the end. And most importantly, I learnt to try and let go of control, because no matter how much I worry about the future there is no way I can predict or control it.
I'm working on accepting that whatever happens is for the best, even if it doesn't seem to be at the moment.