Worthiness is the Most Complicated Thing in the World
Worthiness is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I honestly do not think I have ever truly believed I am inherently worthy. I have always felt like there was something I needed to do, something I needed to prove, or someone else I needed to be in order to deserve to be worthy. The more I do my work, the more shit I uncover, and the more I am finding out that this belief that I am truly, irrevocably unworthy is at the root of everything I have ever done. The awareness is making me notice how deep it goes to this day. It is behind every anxious thought, every moment of self doubt, every tear I cry. It convinces me that I do not deserve true friendship, or that people are being nice to me out of pity. Unworthiness convinces me I have nothing to bring to friendships or my relationship. It tells me I will fail. That Isaac is going to leave me at any moment. That I am not making a difference and that my life is purposeless.
I struggle with needing external confirmation rather than having worthiness come from internal belief. With help from both my therapists, I am working on this. It is fucking brutal and painful, and I feel like a newborn kitten who can't yet see but has to just blindly trust that everything will be okay. It makes me sad now that I am aware of the things I say to myself and how little I believe in myself.
I'm talking about worthiness today because it has been such an interesting yet trying week getting ready for Market Collective. Despite how unworthy I feel, I am getting ready to sell something that I am putting my heart and soul into. Every time I finish a dream catcher, it is like a little piece of me has left to go and help someone else. Igor, my ego, is screaming at me, telling me this endeavour is pointless, that no one will like them, that they will not sell, that they do not help. Yet I keep going, even though I don't know how. If nothing else, it is soothing for me to weave. I feel peaceful working with the crystals, working with the branches and Mother Earth to craft something that comes from my soul.
When I listen to my intuition rather than my ego, I know that this is what I am called to be doing for now, and that it will help others in the same way it has helped me. It is also very solitary work, sitting alone with my materials and kitties - but this gives Igor extra room to be louder and remarkably mean. This also gives me space to fight those doubts.
I went to an event last week, and something one of the speakers said stuck with me: "The louder the ego gets, it means you are doing important work". By not giving in to Igor, I am retraining my brain how to think. I am teaching myself that it is not okay to talk to myself that way. I am teaching myself to believe that I am worthy rather than unconsciously allowing my belief in my unworthiness to impact everything in my life.