Why Entrepreneurship Triggers Anxiety For Me
I have a hard time when things start going well. It may seem counter-intuitive, but I get overwhelmed and sad when things are good, or start falling into place. I question how long it can last. I question why it's happening at all.
I think that right now I'm so overwhelmed with options that I've lost my inspiration to start. I'm scared to saying I am "running my own business", or scared to carry out some glorious projects I've been thinking of for awhile. With University, I knew what the outcome would be if I put my whole self into it - I was great at school. With working corporate jobs, it mostly just required all of my thoughts and energy, never my heart and soul.
But being an entrepreneur requires all of me if I want to succeed. Heart, soul, thoughts & energy. It requires courage that I'm still searching to find. It requires not being attached to the outcome, and accepting that this could all go remarkably well or fail in the most devastating way. And I have not yet found a way to detach from that outcome or not internalize it as a sign of my worthiness or unworthiness. I am trying and most days, I am struggling.
I have always wanted to be my own boss; to have something of my own. I also know that right now, working from home, setting my own schedule, and working on things I am passionate about are what is going to be most healing and sustainable for me. But the fear of how I'm going to have income every month, how we're going to pay off debt, how we'll save for a home and family - that is the trade off. Especially with this all being so new.
I know it takes time for any business to get to that point. I also know that many of these concerns come from external pressures and societal values. It also requires a huge shift in the way we live - we grew accustomed to a certain way of life when we made good, steady money working corporate jobs. We like the luxuries those paycheques afforded us. And while Isaac has a new job that he absolutely loves, this is the first time in my life I haven't had a steady income. And it is unbelievably nerve racking waiting to hear if I've been accepted to different markets, if my products have been picked up by a shop or if an article I've submitted will be published.
I'm starting to think that maybe that's the whole reason I'm on this journey. This situation is forcing me to chose to either continue in my old habits, and end up back in the hospital, or to try going about things a different way. It's so interesting having a new level of awareness and noticing how the smallest thought or habit can start the ball rolling in either direction until it's spinning so fast it's out of control. But sometimes that awareness is troubling, because I can see the ways in which I am harming myself but don't always have the tools to choose the other direction.
The only thing I know today is that I needed to get this out. Because holy fuck - a week spent alone, lying in bed with the flu, with these thoughts repeating over and over and over.... it messes with your head.