Why Forgiveness is a Struggle
Forgiveness is something I have been struggling with, especially lately. Yet it has come up so many times the last few days that it's at the point where the universe might as well smack me over the head while yelling "PAY ATTENTION TO ME." I am trying to heal, but I don't think I can do so until I forgive myself. And I do not seem to know how.
My mind keeps going back to the night that I almost committed suicide. I've been struggling with remembering that night and the days after for a few days now, but it came to a boiling point the other night while in a meditation circle being led by shaman. My soul journeyed back to that night, and it was like I was outside my body, listening to the words being said and watching how devastating it was. I think a piece of my soul disconnected from the trauma of that night, and I do not seem to know how to heal it.
I don't know how to forgive myself for giving up on myself. For how much I hurt the people I love. For how it changed all of our lives. For how it has changed me, making me both harder and weaker at the same time. For breaking their trust. For breaking my own trust - it is an awful and isolating feeling not trusting yourself to not harm yourself. For still hating myself, and feeling like the most selfish and disgusting person in the world. For creating the fear and uncertainty that it won't happen again.
My heart breaks when I think of that time. And I am trying to heal, but I am pushing to heal. I have not been gentle with the process. I have been trying so hard to get back to myself that I am making things worse - I honestly think that it is why I had such an awful flu, and why I cannot seem to shake it. I can sense the familiar thought patterns and feelings cycling back at times. I am aware of them now, but because I now understand and am able to identify and manage them does not mean that they do not terrify me. I am trying to not attach to them, to trust that they will shift and I will move into a different level of consciousness as long as I continue to do my self-work, but this is all still so new and I struggle trust that non-attachment. I feel like every time I reach some sort of stability, something else is brought to my attention that I need to work through and shift. Something like trying to forgive myself.