Did You Know Self-Depreciation is NOT Humbleness?
I've come to realize there is an enormous difference between being humble & self depreciating. Humble is being honoured that someone has taken the time & energy to read a post or comment on it. It's being grateful that a brand I love trusts me to help support them and share their stories. It's recognizing that I am just as worthy as the people I admire without putting myself above any others. It's being awestruck every single day that I actually get to do what I love. Humbleness is knowing your worth, trusting your path, and knowing there's a bigger picture out there that you can't even begin to fathom.
Self depreciation is entirely different. It stems from a place of unworthiness. Instead of being stoked someone I look up to comments on a post or wants to work with me, it's the idea that they deigned to notice me. It's the thought that a brand won't want to work with me because I don't have enough followers to be worth the cost & effort it will take. At it's core, it's placing others above me without recognizing my own worth. It makes me feel small, pointless and not blessed AT ALL.
It All Depends on Worthiness
And it's absolutely ridiculous. I've been subconsciously placing people and brands above me. That they're more worthy of being in this space. That I'm not supposed to be here at all, that I'm a fraud, that someday soon I'll get caught out & this house of cards I've built will crumble to the ground. Most days I feel like it's luck, not the insane amount of effort, work & determination, that's got me here. It's a lot of "who the fuck do I think I am" & "why would anyone bother reading this".
As women we're taught to compare ourselves to others & value our self worth based on where we fall in the hierarchy of desirability. And holy hell does doing this ever trigger those ingrained beliefs. This isn't something I consciously do - it's something I've had to spend a lot of time in therapy figuring out that this underlying belief drives a lot of anxiety.
Being on both sides of the equation (as a blogger & running a clothing shop) has helped immensely in dealing with this. I've been approached for collaborations, much in the same way I approach other brands. And when I've said no to a project, it's always come from a place of either not having the money to invest in that kind of marketing or it just wasn't a good fit. And I realized the difference between "fit" and "worthiness" is the same as humble & self depreciating. Recognizing that something doesn't work out because it wasn't a good fit does not mean I'm not worthy; it just wasn't right. But if I'm caught up in the spiral of anxiety, I totally tie that rejection into my worth. It's thinking in dichotomies instead of trusting in flow of life.