How I'm Feeling The Day Before Surgery for (Hopefully) Endometriosis
As most of you know, I go for surgery tomorrow to hopefully diagnose endometriosis. I say hopefully with the deepest sense of irony - it breaks my heart and makes me sick to my stomach. A few people close to me have asked how I’m feeling about it, and it’s made me realize it’s something I need to share.
Before when I thought of surgery, I kept thinking it was going to be this miraculous thing that was going to figure out what’s wrong and finally make it stop. But the closer I get to it, the more I realize how hopeless it all seems. My body is about to be cut open and my inside poked around, taken pictures of, analyzed. The best case scenario that I can think of is that I get diagnosed with endometriosis (so I can put a name to this) and they remove some growths (so I can hopefully get a little bit of relief from pain).
But endometriosis is a chronic disease. There’s no cure. The growths will most likely come back. I will deal with pain for most of my life. If they don’t find it, then I’m left with chronic pain for no known reason. That means years more of different doctors, different specialists, different tests. More time wasted in hospital and doctors office waiting rooms. Years spent trying to convince strangers that I'm not crazy or making it up. Less time spent doing things I love.
No matter what happens with the surgery, I come out with chronic pain. And I don’t know how to come to terms with that. When I thought of my life I never imagined being in constant pain. Of my body dictating what I can and can’t do. Of having to struggle to do the things I want. To struggle to walk outside, explore cities, go to shows, have sex, or hell, even sometimes just stand and take a shower. And yet even as I write this I keep hearing this cruel, nagging voice saying “it could be worse”.
Yes, it could, but it doesn’t make this reality any less terrifying or hard or heartbreaking. It doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel what I feel. The life I thought I would have is very different one from the one I will have, and while I know that’s for a reason it’s still a very big struggle to find the purpose of it all.