Why Cutting My Hair Was The Best Decision I've Made in Years
If you read Monday’s post, you’ll know I’ve gone through a huge shift in my body image the last few months. What’s been interesting is the more how I perceived myself changed, the more my personal style changed… even though my physical body was still the same. About 6 weeks ago I cut off almost all of my hair, and last week I let go of even more. I got rid of a third of my beautiful, intentionally curated wardrobe. I bought clothes that I never thought I would ever wear - like jeans and tight pencil skirts. As overwhelming and drastic as these changes are, I knew they were coming.
Even though my body hadn’t (yet*) visibly changed much when this all started a month ago, how I felt was like an entirely different human. It’s like the snow covering up all the parts of me that wanted to sprout and grow has melted away and I’m free to blossom. I can see how beautiful I am as a soul, and I want to show up and be seen that way in this world. I didn’t realize how much I was subconsciously using my style to hide and keep myself safe.
I’ve always worn things very, very oversized. It was a way for me to wear the things I love while still being hidden. If you look back at pictures from the last couple years, you could never actually see my body. While logically I loved my body and all that she does, subconsciously I felt betrayed by her and I did not want to see or acknowledge her. This began impacting my life in so many other ways. I wasn’t feeling seen in my business, I felt disconnected from my partner Isaac, and I wasn’t showing up fully in any area of my life. I had to heal those deep wounds in order to feel like I was safe to see myself, and be seen by others.
This became especially apparent when I cut off almost all my hair 6 weeks ago. It really hit home how much personal style comprises not just my clothing, but every way I visually show up in the world. Hair, makeup, piercings, tattoos, body posture, the way I walk, sit, talk… all of it makes up my style of being. My hair hid a multitude of things. It hid my face and emotions. It hid my body. It helped me blend in, which is especially comfortable as a fat person. Cutting all my hair off, my body was not only exposed, but now there were two majorly visible things about me that society does not consider beautiful or feminine. But I had gone through so much hell the past few years that cutting off my hair was symbolic. I personally believe that like clothing, hair stores energy and emotions. But unlike clothing, it’s made up of cells and DNA. It’s literally made up of everything that has happened over the years it’s been growing. And I was so, so tired of carrying those stories around with me - literally.
When I let go of those stories, it was like I had a blank slate. I got to decide how I wanted to show up now. How I wanted to be seen. What I wanted my next story to be. But I also had some serious moments of “wtf have I done” and “who the hell am I” immediately after. So I processed the way I know best - through my clothing. I went through my own process of cleaning out my closet, using my intuition to decide what pieces to bring with me into this new season of life. It turned out nearly every piece I said no to I had gotten because it was big enough that it didn’t hurt my body, or it was giant and I loved how I swam in it because it made me feel smaller. While I am so, so grateful that I had those pieces when I needed them, they were keeping me feeling that way (small and in fear of being in pain). So out they went.
I’m still playing with how I want to express myself and show up in the world. I’m trying out things that are more fitted and show off my body. I’m learning I love how my figure looks in a tight knit pencil skirt, belly and all. I like super high-waisted skirts with a camisole tucked in, because it shows off my waist and décolletage, and with my hair short I feel like a vintage French fairy. I like floaty, frilly, floral or softly neutral dresses - either oversized or with a defined waist. I still love oversized pieces, but I balance them out with something more fitted or cropped. I dream of investing in some Elizabeth Suzann Andy and Florence silk trousers. And I’m yearning for these camisoles in so many different colours.
I now also spend time in the mornings going through a ritual of getting prepared to face the day feeling like my best, sparkliest self. I play around with different ways of styling my new hair. I’m having fun with make-up, looking at it as a way to highlight what I love about myself and express how I’m feeling that day. Even when I’m lounging around the house now, I make sure I do it in something I feel confident, expansive and luxurious in. Every night I spend time washing my face, taking off the day. I do face masks weekly, and take fragrant baths every day. All these little acts of pampering myself remind me that I deserve to feel good every damn day, and inspire me to make other choices during the day that are in alignment with feeling that worthy.
Cutting my hair was the best decision I've made in years. It made room for me to grow into the woman I want to be, and always have been. I’m excited to see what other ways I blossom over the next few months - both internally and externally.